He's Scared Of Me
by DestinedForDisaster
Summary: After Dan goes through something unspeakable, Phil releases that he has to step up and be there for his best friend. As Dan drifts further away, Phil has to take care of him and teach him that's okay to trust him. Angsty but hopefully future fluff! Phan, KickTheStickz Warnings: Implied sexual assault, self harm, suicidal thoughts, references to suicide attempt. Multi Chaptered/
1. Chapter 1: He's Scared Of Me

**This is my first Phanfic on here! This can be multichaptered if anyone wants it to be. Something happened a few weeks ago and I had to get it off my chest so this was the result. If anyone ever wants to chat I'm always here so feel free to DM me or contact me on twitter/tumblr :) x**

It was dark outside and I could feel it. Feel how wrong it was. Dan hadn't returned home, he was four hours late and it was rapidly approaching five. He was never late. Not this late. He'd call if he was.

He'd been at radio 1 with Scott Mills as they were doing a late night show together which finished at 9 o'clock and as we don't live too far from the studios, it wouldn't have taken him more than 30 minutes to get home, but it was now 01:49 in the morning and I was still awaiting his arrival.

I was sat on the sofa in the lounge, wrapped in my blue pug jumper, a hot chocolate in one hand and my mobile in the other. My mind kept repeating the journey, picking out anywhere he could have gone and every point that could be in the slightest bit dangerous - so far I had come up with 3 and my mind was still racing.

And that was when I got the call. The buzzing of my phone tore through the silence and as soon as I realised that it was an unknown number flashing up on the screen, I panicked, my shaky hands swiping at the screen to accept the call.

"Hello?" I said nervously down the phone .

"Is this Mr Lester, Mr Phillip Lester?" Asked a female voice on the other end of the phone.

"Yeah that's me." I said, an obvious shake in my voice.

"Hello Phillip my names PC Edwards, may I ask what relation you are to Daniel Howell?"

"Dan's my best friend, we live together. Is he okay? Have you found him?" I said quickly, trying not to think the worse.

"Dan is currently in St Thomas's hospital. We believe that he was assaulted earlier this evening, but he won't give us consent to treat him so we can't see the extent of what happened."

"Oh god, has he said anything?" I asked cautiously.

"He just keeps asking for you, I've been sat with him for the last 20 minutes and he hasn't moved a muscle. We need you here as soon as you can be, he's really not in a good way." She replied honestly.

'I'm on my way." And then i hung up, jumping out of my seat and knocking over the hot chocolate that i had left on the arm rest. I left it there to soak into the carpet, running out of the flat and down the stairs.

As soon as I was out into the street, I proceeded to hail a cab and directed the driver to the nearby hospital. I could feel my heart banging against its cage, my mind going into over drive, imagining worst case scenarios during the journey.

But all the worst case scenarios I conjured couldn't prepare me for the reality.

I ran into the A&E department, the noises of the busy ward drowned out by my shaky breaths. I approached a nurse, my eyes burning as I tried desperately to keep calm. The smell of disinfectant was overpowering and combined with the situation was starting to make me to feel light headed.

"I'm looking for Dan Howell, I got a phone call saying that he was here." I said as clearly as I could.

"He's in the side bay, let me take you to him." She replied, her blonde hair swaying as she lead me to towards a room that unlike every other bay, had all the blinds closed so nobody could see in.

The nurse knocked on the door and allowed me to follow her in. That was when I saw him, curled into a ball on the edge of the bed furthest away from the police officer I assumed I had spoken to before. I couldn't see his face as it was hidden in his arms but I instantly spotted the blood staining the back of his grey T-shirt and the finger shaped bruises on his arms as I slowly walked over to him.

I made the mistake of gently putting my hand on his back and was greeted with a rapid punch in the face as Dan jumped out of bed and ran towards the corner, shaking as he tried to get as far away from what he thought was danger as possible.

The police officer jumped up, ready to restrain him but I quickly put my hand up to say that it wasn't needed.

"Dan, its me, its Phil, you're okay, you're safe here, I promise." I whispered gently, slowly getting closer to him. "I won't hurt you, I'll protect you."

Dan began to lift his head up slowly, revealing a black eye and split lip, the dried blood standing out on his unrecognisably pale skin. His brown eyes had tears spilling out of them, betraying him and giving away all the pain and fear he felt. I cautiously reached out my arms, leaving it up to him. I could see in his eyes his hesitation but after looking at me for what felt like a life time he moved into my embrace and clung to me as he let out a terrified sob. I held him, carefully trying to avoid any injuries he had injured as his body shook.

After giving him a while to calm down, I turned him so that he could look at me without out letting go of him.

"Dan, can we get you onto the bed so that the doctors can check you over." I felt him tense as soon as I mentioned the doctors, his eyes wide with terror and tried to reassure him, "I won't let them hurt you, I won't leave you for a second, I swear."

And with that he nodded, allowing me to lift him up onto the bed where I tried to pull away, but he grabbed my hand and clung to me in fear. PC Edwards's looked at me questioningly and I nodded at her so that she knew to go and get the doctor so that we couldd get this over with quickly.

As soon as she left, I turned to Dan, raising my hand and gently wiping the tears that were falling from his eyes. "Dan, you need to tell them everything, let them know what happened so that they can help you. I promise that no matter what, I'll still be here."

"Phil, I'm scared." He whispered, speaking for the first time since I'd been here.

"I know but we'll get through this together ."

Before Dan was able to reply, PC Edwards had returned with a doctor and two nurses in tow. The doctor was a tall brunette woman, her hair in a loose pony tail and her heals tapped loudly against the floor as she entered, behind her were two nurses, one young, her ginger and tied in a bun, the other slightly older, her blonde her was cut short and her face was warm and welcoming.

"Okay Dan, my names Abigail Wrightson, is it alright if I take a look you?" Asked the doctor kindly. "I'd like to get the wound on your head looked at before we do anything else if that's okay."

Dan just nodded and Abigail turned to the younger nurse who began to clean the wound on the back of his head. After she had stitched the cut and the older nurse had stitched the cut above his right eye, they left and the doctor sat down on the chair next to Dan's bed.

"Dan, I'm concerned that you have some other injuries, however I will need to remove your top in order for us to check you over. Are you alright with that?" She questioned and Dan nodded nervously, turning to me as if to ask for help.

I carefully lifted his t-shirt over his head and was confronted by a large purple bruise on his stomach and a small, circular, burn-like wound on his chest. Abigail carefully cleaned what I assumed to be a cigarette burn and helped him sit up, so that she could look at his back.

There were patches of bruises all the way down his back, a larger, more severe looking one just above the waistline of his trousers.

"Dan, can you tell me what happened?" She asked and I felt Dan's grip tighten around my hand.

"I was leaving the studio, and I was walking through the alley way that's a short cut to the station and these two men came out of nowhere and-" He let out a small sob and I squeezed his hand reassuringly. "They, um, they pushed me down, they held me..."

"Oh Dan," I whispered.

"Held me down," he continued, "one of them had their hand over my mouth. I can still smell his skin." He shuddered. "I think I knew what was happening and I tried to fight them but they were just too strong."

"Dan?" I said, as he pulled his hand away from mine.

"I cant!" He said as he tried to get himself out of the bed, wincing with pain.

I grabbed his arm, holding him there.

"Please Phil!" He half screamed, in a voice I didn't recognise.

"Dan, what did they do?" I almost shouted.

"They raped me! They held me down and raped me!" He screamed and I climbed into the bed and held him as cried, his body trembling in pain and fear.

We sat there for about half an hour before Abigail said a word. Despite having a ward to run, she sat there in silence, waiting patiently for Dan to calm down. And finally he did.

Dan allowed her to patch him up, wincing every so often. She then, with his consent, took swabs which would be given to the police and used as evidence. PC Edwards returned, taking a statement from Dan and giving me her card with the instruction to call her if he remembers anything.

Despite Dan's protests, he was kept in overnight for observation and I stayed with him the whole time, not leaving him for a second. I held him as he sobbed, soothed him when he got scared and watched over him as he slept.

When I finally did drop off to sleep, it was dreamless and unconforming. I didn't get long as I was woken by Dan thrashing about I'm his bed, having what could only be described as a panic attack.

"Dan? Shh, its me, its Phil. You're okay, I'm not going to hurt you! I promise." I said shaking him gently.

"Phil?" He whimpered, his eyes so frightened that it made a tear trickle down my cheek.

He's scared of me.

**Thanks for reading, reviews are very welcome x**


	2. Chapter 2: I'm Scared Of Him

Okay, I'm so sorry for how long this has taken for me to upload! It will be more regularly in future, but first my sister smashed my tablet which had half of this chapter on and it stopped working, then I had a load of course work to do, I went to Norfolk for a Geography field trip for a few days, got excluded from school (apparently telling bullies to fuck off is punishable but they got ten times worse)!

Okay, sorry for rambling!

I just wanted to say one thing which is actually really important and is that this dedicated to AccioPhandom who has helped me so much and is amazing and oh ma gehd!

Also, thanks to Catsareawesome24 (love the name). Oh and yes, Its-real-to-us, I will make sure some ass kicking goes on!

Anyways, enjoy!

Sophie x

...

The next afternoon I was forced to leave Dan for several hours as psych paid a visit to access whether or not he was stable enough for me to take him home and to hopefully sign him off. I had already had to spend half an hour since I had woken up, trying to convince the doctor that I was capable of looking after him on my own and after about an hour of begging, she gave in.

As soon as the psychiatrist had arrived, I left them to it, promising Dan that I would be just down the corridor so he wasn't to worry. It was only then as I begun to walk away from Dan that the full force of the situation hit me full force in the face.

Dan had been raped.

There was no way of getting around it. He wasn't okay. It wasn't just going to go away and it wouldn't get better on its own.

A few tears slid down my cheeks as I walked down the white corridors and into the relative's room. The whole place spelt of disinfectant and it was starting to make me feel nauseous. I knew that I had to phone Dan's parents but I was too afraid of how Dan would react to even consider informing them. All Dan needed besides love, care and for those bastards to be locked up was control. He needed to feel as if this was choice. He didn't need me going behind his back and destroying any progress we had made.

Instead I phoned Pj, my trustworthy best friend who I knew Dan wouldn't mind knowing. Or at least I hoped he wouldn't because god knows how he'll react to people when he starts to recover.

I listened to a familiar "Alright Philian" from the other end of the phone as I became immersed in my worry. "Phil?" He asked when I didn't reply.

"Peej, I need to call on you for a favour. I'm desperate. Something's happened and I-" My voice broke, making a noise that pretty much summed up the whole situation.

"Phil, what's going on? Are you okay?" He asked, his worry evident due to the loss of his previously more upbeat tone.

"Oh Peej, I don't know what to do!" And with that I began to sob.

"Phil, where are you?" He replied, keeping a cool head.

"St Thomas' Hospital." I whispered through the tears.

"Chris and I will be there as soon as we can. Hold tight yeah." I just sniffled inreply and hung up.

…

I waited for what felt like a year before Pj turned up. I was sat in the relative's room when I heard a quiet knock on the door. My head darted up from where it had been previously resting on my hand to see Pj and Chris walk in nervously.

"Phil!" Pj exclaimed as I jumped up and allowed myself to be wrapped up in his arms.

"Phil, what happened?" Asked Chris as he put his arm around me and we sit down together.

"It's Dan, he was attacked and they… they…" I said trying my best not to sob.

"They what Phil?" Pj Whispered, putting his hand on top of mine.

"They raped him Peej." I replied almost inaudibly.

"Shit. Is he okay? I mean, is he badly hurt, what has he said?" Chris asked squeezing my arm.

"He'll recover from the injuries but Chris, it was so horrible. He was so terrified and I couldn't do anything." I said, the sobs subsiding slightly. "He's scared of me."

"Oh Phil, he's got you and me and Chris and we won't let anything bad happen to him." Pj assured me. "Look, me or Chris can go back to your flat and get you both some clothes so you can get home as soon as possible."

I nodded in agreement, not trusting myself to speak.

"I'll go, but I'll need a key." Said Chris, getting up from next to me.

I handed him the key from my pocket and he left Pj and I to it.

"Phil, you need to be strong for him, okay? You can't let him see you like this." Pj said to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me towards him so that I had my head resting in the crook of his neck.

"I can't do this Peej, I can't." I cried.

"Oh Phil, you have to. He needs you now more than ever, you have to do your best, even if you breakdown every time he's not looking."

"Is that how it is for you and Chris?" I ask honestly.

"He can never know, but every time I leave the flat I'm scared that I'll come back to find him like I did that day. Every time he starts to get depressed again I don't let him out of my sight." He said, staring at the wall in front of him as he whispered to me. "I'm terrified every day that he'll go back to that place but I'd rather live with that fear than live with the pain of knowing that I could have done something. You do anything for the ones you love Phil. You go through hell and you think that you're the only one there, but you will be there. He will not be on his own; you will be there, to hold him."

"But I don't love Dan the same way you love Chris." I replied, wiping a tear from Pj's cheek.

"Don't you?" Pj questioned.

"I don't know, but this is the last thing he needs." I reply honestly. "He needs a friend. And you're right, you will do anything for the ones you love and I love him more than anything. But he's my best friend and I won't destroy that."

"Whatever you do, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, okay Phil. It took Chris to have to… I mean I went to hell and back before I even realised. He needed me and I wasn't there."

Our conversation pretty much ended there as Pj tried not to cry and I didn't even bother stopping myself.

_I sat in the corner of the room, my head in my hands as I tried to block everything out. Dan was pacing, tears streaming down his cheeks as he clenched his fists. My head jolted upwards as I heard a smash to see Dan stood by the door which he had just slammed his fists against, his head bent in shame. I ran to him, taking his fists from the door and holding them gently as I watched Dan crumble before me. I'd never seen him like this._

_"Ph-" He tried to say my name by but he just sobbed harder._

_"Hey shh, it's going to be okay." I lied, taking him in my arms as he put all his weight on me and we fell to our knees._

_I held him in my arms as he sobbed, tears running down my cheeks as we waited for the news that would pretty much change everything._

_"It's all my fault. I should have listened to him! Why didn't I see that he wasn't okay." He cried._

_"It's nobody's fault Dan, I promise." _

_"You don't know that." He sobbed in reply._

_"Hey," I said softly, taking him form my arms so that he could look me in the eyes. "It's not your fault, okay."_

_He hung his head and I helped him to get up so that we could sit back in the chairs. Dan rested his head on my shoulder nervously, not sure whether he was overstepping the mark. I put my hand on top of the one he had rested on his leg and squeezed it reassuringly. We sat like that for a while, feeling some relief in one another's company, listening to the rain as he run onto the window. _

Pj and I sat in dead silence, waiting for something to happen. We didn't have to wait long however as we were soon joined by Abigail, the doctor, who had a very grave look upon her face.

"Oh god, what's happened?" I said jumping up and walking over to where she stood by the door way.

"I'm afraid that Dan won't be returning home tonight, he really is in no fit state to leave without adequate supervision." She told me, avoiding looking me in the eye.

"Why? I can take care of him! I always take care of him, please." I begged, turning to Pj who put his hand on my arm.

"Mr Lester, Phil, we're concerned that Dan won't be able to cope with the trauma, that he may become a threat to himself or others if not under constant observation. Obviously he has the complete choice over what happens, however we recommend you to try to persuade him to stay here for a while." She said, trying to make me see things her way. "I'll leave you two to think. You can go and see him when you're ready."

"Phil, she's right, maybe here's the best place for him. I know it's difficult, I went through the same thing with Chris. He's safe here, not able to hurt himself." That was all it took.

I walked straight to Dan's room, my hands shaking slightly as I tried to calm myself enough to be of use to my friend. Pj stayed outside to allow us to talk, he was obviously unsure how Dan would react to him being here.

"Phil." Dan said as soon as I entered the room, tear stains on his cheeks and nail marks on his arms from where he had been digging them into his skin. Dan and his stress habits. "Phil, I want to go home now please."

"Dan, please don't take this the wrong way but I've spoken with the doctors and we all agree that it's probably best if you allow them to keep you I for a while. Just until you get better." I said, my voice noticeably shaking as I tried not to sound like a dick.

"NO!"

He then began to pull at wires, ripping the cannula from his arm causing blood to spill down his arm in attempt to get up. He tried to push me out the way but I grabbed hold of him, trapping his arms to his waist. He began to thrash around, kicking out at me and screaming at the top of his lungs.

"PJ!" I shouted desperately, trying to alert someone. "HELP!"

I barely said anything in the minutes that followed other than the wor

Pj rushed into the room, seeing the scene that lay out before him he pressed the alarm near Dan's bed and tried to help restrain him. Together we managed to pin him to the floor after I received a nasty punch to the face in time for half a dozen doctors and nurses to join us. The older nurse who had stitched Dan's head yesterday immediately moved to the drugs trolley where she grabbed a needle and some liquid and she injected Dan with a sedative.

"Why Phil?" Dan said quietly, looking me in the eyes desperately, he continued to thrash about a bit before he unwillingly lost consciousness.

I rushed back from him, my hands on my head as I tried not to break down again.

I didn't even realise that there was blood running down my face until the nurse took my hand and lead me into another room, stitching the cut that Dan had inflicted to my head. She left me for about 45 minutes, where I sat in silence, returning with a much needed coffee.

"He'll be alright love, just needs a little time to adjust to what has happened to him. It's a huge trauma and it's going to be hard but neither of you are alone. That's when I gave up on trying to stop the tears and began to sob, allowing a complete stranger to attempt to comfort me. "Would you like me to get your friend?" I nodded softly, rubbing at my burning eyes.

I was greeted unexpectedly by Chris rather than Pj, "Where's Peej?"

"He went to get some air; I think it brought back some difficult memories for him to be honest." He said, sitting down next to me. "The doctor said that he should wake up in an hour or two, apparently it would help him if you're there."

"Thanks, I'll go see him, I'm getting pretty tired now so hopefully he'll be ready to go to sleep soon." I said, looking at watch to see that it was barely 8 o'clock, the stress must have really been getting to me.

"Look, I'm going to get Pj home if that's alright." Chris replied, patting my shoulder

"That's fine." I reply, hugging him gently before returning to the room where Dan lay asleep.

…

After about two hours of sitting next to Dan's unconscious form, talking half to him and half to himself, I realised that he was unlikely to wake now until morning. Although I shouldn't say it, I was pretty relieved by that as I don't think that I would have been able to go through that again.

I drifted off to a less than peaceful sleep, plagued by flash backs, my head resting in my arms on the side of Dan's hospital bed where he lay motionless.

_It was over an hour before we were disrupted by Pj._

_He half ran into the room, his hands gripping his hair as he screamed incoherently and began to shake and sob. Both Dan and I managed to get to him just in time to stop him from lashing out. We held his fists tightly as he struggled to calm himself enough to speak._

_"He's dead." He choked out, kneeling on the floor, pulling his arms away from us as he sobbed into them._

_It felt like my whole world had come tumbling down in that moment, and it pretty much had._

_I didn't know how to react. I stood there motionless for a few moments, similarly to Dan before grabbing hold of Dan who looked like he was about to kill Pj._

_"THIS IS YOUR FAULT!" He screamed, throwing the magazines at the table at him before turning to me and sobbing into my shoulder._

_I had never seen Dan behave like before, he was shaking and sobbing, trying his best not to lash out and really hurt Pj._

_However, by this time, the curly haired boy had fled form the room. I probably should have gone after Pj, and I would have done if it hadn't been for Dan. Because right then Dan needed me more than anything._

Just like he needs me right now.

But I'm scared of him

...

The flashbacks will make better sense in the next chapter, hope you enjoyed! Please review, they make my day xxx


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